My first thought walking out ofSnake Eyeswas a shallow one, but in the interest of honesty I’ll lay it down first and explain later: “How dare a cast that hot be in a movie this bad.” The thing is, I don’t just mean “hot” in the sense of conventional attractiveness—although, make no mistake, this entire cast is deeply attractive—as much as I meanSnake Eyesis filled with a young class of dictionary-definitionmovie stars, presences you put on posters and billboards to sell tickets, the rare ones whose magnetism, charisma, and genuine talent make the price of admission worth it. That starts at the top withHenry Goldingas the titularG.I. Joe, who shuffles aside a few pieces of gear to carry most of this movie on his back. If there’s a benefit toSnake Eyesexisting, it’s to serve as proof that Golding is the caliber of leading man he’s been promising to become ever since wooing the world inCrazy Rich Asians. ButSnake Eyesisn’t worthy of his or his co-stars' charms. DirectorRobert Schwentkehas churned out a franchise-starter origin story so by-the-books it has a plot revolving around, and please stop me if you’ve heard this before, a magical glowing orb. A spinoff centered around the G.I. Joe’s most kinetic martial artist should at least be carried by its action, butSnake Eyes' fight scenes are framed in the current Hollywood house style, i.e. impossible to see and low-key nauseating, all obscured shaky-cam close-ups and rapid-fire cuts, like a camera placed directly in a dryer’s tumble cycle. The talent involved suggests you’d want to actuallyshowwhat is happening, but that’s just not how blockbuster action stories are told anymore.
RELATED:Samara Weaving on ‘Snake Eyes’, Damien Chazelle’s ‘Babylon,’ and Why She Loves Her Stunt Double
Plot-wise, they are told exactly like this, every time: Snake Eyes (Golding)—who, in a development that’s kind of hilarious and I kind of loved, never goes by anything other than “Snake Eyes” his entire life—is in the midst of a decades-long quest for vengeance against the man who killed his father. The journey leads him into the heart of the Yakuza, where he becomes indebted to an enigmatic crime boss called Kenta (Takehiro Hira). A mad dash from his gang life leads Snake Eyes to Japan, where an ancient ninja clan called the Arashikage offers him the opportunity to become something much, much more, and the man who brought him there, Tommy (Andrew Koji), a chance at the family he never had. But his ties to Kenta are still strong, and Snake Eyes finds himself caught in an age-old war with a mystical item, the Jewel of the Sun, at its center and the terrorist organization known as Cobra hovering menacingly at the edges.
In hindsight, an action-heavy martial arts melodrama built on the back of Japanese iconography was probably not the best vehicle for the director ofR.I.P.DandAllegiant. All of the action inSnake Eyes, particularly an early truck escape that sees a windshield pin-cushioned with dozens of swords, give theappearanceof excitement because there’s a lot happening all at once, all set to a pounding score fromMartin Todsharow. But it’s all so muddled, no sense of space or choreography, the camera never lingering on more than two blows at a time before cutting to something else. Schwentke is obsessed with the fight scene set-up, ensuring characters look really,reallycool posed against neon and rainstorms before the fight begins, an unintended reminder that most of these characters are based on action figures. (Now with 12 points of articulation!) But the director and his DPBojan Bazelliraceaway from the action as soon as sword touches sword. It’s allcling-clang-cut away,cling-clang-cut away. It’s just random limbs and yelling.
It’s doubly a shame, consideringSnake Eyes' cast proves it doesn’t have to be this way. WhenIko Uwaisfinally appears in this film as the Arashikage’s “Hard Master”, I literally sat forward in my seat, a palpable sense of “ah shit here we go,” a reputation earned through modern action classics likeThe Raidfilms and Netflix’sThe Night Comes For Us, and by proving with projects likeWu Assassinsthat a subpar story can be saved with impressive enough action. The film wastes Uwais. The film frequently cuts away from Uwais in its third-act set-pieces, which should be considered an actual crime.Andrew Kojihas been aforcefor two seasons as the lead of Cinemax’s underappreciated martial arts dramaWarrior; he is so good inSnake Eyes, playing a character bound in body and soul to his lineage and enraged when that lineage doesn’t show the same loyalty. He’s arguably the highlight of the film, my hope being this performance springboards him into stardom. My other hope is that future G.I. Joe movies frame him fighting for more than 3 seconds at a time.Samara Weavinghas spent the last four years becoming genre’s go-to bloodsoaked superstar, the endlessly watchable scream queen who also whips ass acrossReady or NotandMayhem. She is, quite literally, air-dropped intoSnake Eyes' third act for one of the most unearned Big Team-Up Moments in recent memory.
And, again, there is Golding, who makes a movie like this at least a little worth it. Golding is the emotional backbone ofSnake Eyes, selling the inner conflict of the movie, which, for all its noise and blunder, is really a fight for the main character’s soul. Fortunate, then, that Golding is a soulful actor, a quietly expressive one;Snake Eye’s emotional throughline works where its action doesn’t because it only has to play out across Golding’s face. It’s the type of performance that puts me, the reviewer, in the unenviable position of being honest about the film’s quality but still desperate to see more Golding in as big of projects as possible, not only a full-package leading man, but specifically as a Malaysian leading man in an industry that wouldn’t letJet LikissAaliyahat the turn of the century. But what better way to illustrate the dissonance between Hollywood’s most exciting up-and-comers and the franchise films they’re forced into than this: The main goal ofSnake Eyes, theendgame, is to put Henry Golding under a mask.
Rating: C+
KEEP READING:Final Trailer for ‘Snake Eyes’ Features Lots of Ninja Action and Surprising Emotion
